My Mental Health.

Having a mental illness is not something I shout out about, especially to new people. But, lately it's been so tough to keep it under control that it's starting to effect my job. I have only been there for around seven months and when I started I had my anxiety under control. I was honest in my interview and explained that I had suffered through my last year of university with anxiety and that it would not  be a problem... And it wasn't, until now. 

I put myself under so much pressure to not let it show and to act 'normal' that I actually think I am making it worse. At times it is so hard to concentrate on work because my mind is elsewhere with worry and the amount of times I am finding things to do, to distract myself from anxious thoughts and feelings is all rather draining. That and the fact I don't seem to be able to sleep lately. 

I also worry about being a strain on my family and on Jake. More so for Jake because I am not the person he met six years ago and that has to be tough on him. When we first met I was 17 - chatty, didn't care about doing things on my own, had a fair few friends. Thats far from the person I am today. I don't actually remember how to be that girl anymore. 

It's these pressures that allow my anxiety to manifest and it swallows me up so that I can't see a way out. I have tried breathing exercises when I feel an attack coming on but these do not help me in the slightest and I can't be the only one who feels that way? Especially when you feel spacey and your heart is pounding. 

Having a mental illness is tough and all consuming. I have lost friends because I stopped going out, I can't drive at night on my own and I find it a struggle to go places on my own. Even just a simple drive to the corner shop sets it off. It can be so bad that I can't leave the house and all I want to do is stay in bed. It is like an outer body experience sometimes, I know what I am doing and why but my thoughts separate and it feels like I am not actually there. Its so hard to explain and understand. 

And if I don't understand it then how can anyone else? 

Writing things down helps and I encourage anyone who has a mental illness to write your thoughts down. Take time out of your day and write down what made you feel anxious that day or why you had that depressing thought and maybe one day you will look back on it and nail the main cause of your mental illness. 

Hiding is easy and someone said to me the other day 'Your so bubbly and happy that I wouldn't of thought you suffered with anxiety'. It's time that people spoke out about mental illness because your brain is an organ too. I will continue to not let it beat me and to live each day better than the last, and if the pressure gets to much then thats okay too. 

To be continued...