My mental health - Part two.

Just before Christmas last year I wrote a post about my mental health. Fast forward a few months and a lot has happened in the brain stakes. Last time I wrote about how I was struggling to keep my anxiety under control and that it was starting to affect work. Well, not long after I wrote that post I pretty much had a break down...

I couldn't stay at work for longer than a few hours without going home in a state of despair, luckily I could work from home but I was still putting myself under pressure to get things finished and to try and get myself in the office. I would burst into tears every morning and I just didn't want to leave my bed. I started to avoid doing things I enjoyed, like baking and seeing my friends.  I completely broke down on Jake and to be honest, I was ready to end things because I hated the feeling that I was a different person and that I was dragging him down with me. I wanted him to be 'free' of my burdens and to live without treading on egg shells around me. He didn't see it that way and said all he needed to say to make me feel safe and supported.

Soon after, I decided enough was enough and I got myself to the doctors. I was starting to feel low all the time, I wasn't eating and I was having some dark thoughts that I'd really not like to get into. I'm lucky that my family is so open because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't of been able to talk about feeling this way.

I was signed off from work for two weeks and I was given some names of therapists. I have already been to an NHS anxiety 'course' a couple of years ago and it did absolutely nothing for me. I wasn't prepared to wait six months on a waiting list to see a therapist through the NHS. It's no wonder suicide rates in young people are on the rise. I was also prescribed antidepressants - something I was really against at fist, but now I realise I actually really needed them at the time and still do.

I had really bad side effects from the tablets for the first two weeks, I couldn't eat anything and I felt dizzy a lot of the time. I realise now, I should of pushed through and ate because that was messing up my mind too. I lost a lot of weight and just everything about me disappeared. It couldn't of happened at a worse time because I absolutely love Christmas day! I couldn't watch my little brothers and sisters open their presents from santa because I felt so faint and hadn't slept much in days. I ate the tiniest plate of Christmas dinner and the day was pretty much a blur.

Once the side effects of the tablets wore off and I was seeing my therapist I started to feel a little better. I wasn't feeling so low and I had started to eat properly again. Mostly fatty foods, but food is food right? I saw my therapist once a week for the first two months, talking about my anxiety and how to manage stress etc. I didn't even realise I was stressed? I'm only 23 and yet I think this was the cause of my break down.

So now three months on, I am still on the antidepressants and will be for another three months until I feel ready to come off them. I am still seeing my therapist once every two weeks now and I am managing my stress levels and trying to get back to my old self. I still have bad days where I feel like I can't leave the house but that's okay because tomorrow is a new day.

Jake has been my best friend through all of this and without the help of him and my family and my therapist, I don't think I would of gotten out of the dark place I was in.

As for friends. Well, you can't always rely on your friends to understand what you are going through. Don't get me wrong I have one close friend who has been a great help through all of this, but I have come to realise that people who you thought would be by your side when your going through hard times, just aren't. And that's okay.

So as I sit here writing this, drinking cold tea (been in the zone), my journey with my ever changing brain continues.